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The end of the shoot is accentuated by the predictable arrival of each girl's family members - Leila's midget-height mama greets her by a palm tree, Kiara's raisiny grandma hobbles out of a private car to a chorus of happy sobs, and both of Laura's parents (I'm assuming they footed the flight cost) awkwardly embrace her and play to the cameras. The Nylon production team, unsurprisingly, adores Leila, as she charms them with her 'signature gap' (copyright Danielle, Cycle 6) and hams it up with crab husks. Kiara, despite her B+ posing, pumps out nothing but amateur, catalogue faces. Laura gives her commercial best, but the director is pointedly unimpressed.

The Nylon shoot, apparently, consists of little more than wandering the beach and its environs in a variety of off-kilter/on-trend outfits, as the models are instructed to hide in shallow bushes and pose with shore-side detritus. Johnny makes some subtly shady comments about Kell, before we're unceremoniously whisked away to the Nylon shoot. Laura claims that this tension affected her shots, but all the girls had to shoot in the same passive-aggressive environment, so I consider the point moot. The words 'rude,' 'producer,' and 'entitled' rise from their butts as Johnny Wujek coyly smirks in the background. Kell, as the client rep, tries to coordinate the posing, much to Jez's chagrin. The real highlight of this shoot is Kelly Cutrone's bitch-off with photographer Jez Smith. Kiara gives the same face as always: bored, dour transsexual. Laura and her blonde hair are pretty in an aptly commercial way, but Leila clearly has the most sellable look, cool and fresh with her hair pulled up in a high pony. The Nine West shoot is what you'd expect from a commercial shoe shoot - the girls shift around hesitantly, gently lifting and tilting their feet. In any case, we're given a post-mortem viewing of Nine West and Nylon photo shoots the contestants performed in recent days. It's essentially a recap episode featuring footage no one has seen yet, and every contestant from this cycle will be walking in the final show, a move that effectively strips the walk-off portion of its usual weight and magic. In yet another weird and unexplained tweak to the format, this episode will be a clip-show, in which Tyra introduces the segments from her ghoulish perch. Tyra informs the viewer that this is the famous Rose Hall, a Jamaican ghost-place where the 'beautiful and deadly' former mistress 'murdered husbands, lovers, and any woman whose smize rivaled her own.' Images of sexy phantoms scroll across the screen as we view the spookily appointed mansion - my favorite touch is the phrase 'Pot Ledom' scrawled in lipstick across a mirror like 'REDRUM.'ДЄs the camera pans out, it becomes clear that we've prematurely arrived at the runway show venue, what with its meager crowd and overwrought catwalk concept. She seriously looks like the tackiest ghost at the party, with her vacuum-sealed face situation framed by a broken-mirror collar, all resting on a breast-height tutu thing I don't know if she applied eye makeup or removed it altogether, but the look here is consumption-chic. When the episode first kicked off, I momentarily thought I'd mistakenly tuned in to an installment of American Horror Story, but no - just Tyra styled like a terrifying alien disco ball in front of a 'haunted' mansion.

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I won't spoil who the recipient of the ANTM College Edition crown was just yet, but I will say that the outcome is even more blah than the hyper-bland one we'd all anticipated.ДЇor those of you who opted for a self-induced coma, let me catch you up on the Final Three: we've got Leila, the gap-toothed high-fashion cutie who photographs like a dream and returned to the competition through her social media moxie then there's Kiara, the sassy foster-care survivor with a history of basketball and a face full of tranny and finally, Laura, the Dynasty progeny with skin the color of cheesy vomit and the charm of a wilted celery stick. If you are currently reading this, then I believe congratulations are in order! Yes, pat yourself on your assumedly emaciated back - you deserve it for having survived the most boring cycle of America's Next Top Model ever! To quote Bre from Cycle 5, 'I just wanted to take off my shoes and throw UP.' Don't get me wrong, I'm a sucker for a gimmick (of which this cycle had no shortage), but the gimmicks here were recycled and played-out, and the lack of engaging/amusing interactions between the girls themselves made for one long, painful yawn of a season.

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